i have been living in bizarro world today. k? soooo, we go to get pain meds at the pharmacy. i did a quick run to trader joe’s and home we come. i am resting in my bed, and looking for kindle books when the dogs come running to my room and start to get on the bed.

OMG. STINKKKKKKKKKKKKK. the little one has some white mess on his ear and i scream NO get off my bed. the entire time i am gagging because i can’t do stink of any kind. i try but i upchuck. then the big dog, oliver, comes into my room and he is COVERED in some white mess that smells like death. over the trash can i go. mark (my husband who just had hip replacement)  is hobbling to see wtf is going on. he sees the mess on the dogs and tries to help by wiping it off. i find some tiger balm and put it under my nose (like CSI) to keep from puking when i smell this mess. it’s becoming more obvious by the minute that i must bathe the dogs. oh dear lord, help me.

so mark and i take the dogs to the deck, outside, and he starts to get that nasty off them at the outdoor sink. they still REEK of nasty rotten dead something. we get them into the house and get oliver into the tub. i am trying to spray him with the stupid shower head hose thing and i drop it. it squirts me from head to toe and now i am soaked and freezing, with tiger balm in my nose and a stink ass dog freaking out because the water got on him, too. help me lord. then i get the dawn and start washing this nasty smelling 56 lb dog. i talk baby talk to him, because i have freaked him out already with my freak out. get him washed and rinse him in vinegar just to make sure he’s destunk. next is the little guy, reggie. he doesn’t care much about baths. he likes them. he was quick and over in no time. i dry the dogs, change into dry clothing and head outside to let them roll in the grass.

oh they are having the best time and up comes a black mastiff/lab mix and he has balls. non neutered and the hair is up on his back. oh dear lord, help me. so i go to grab the hose, just in case and SOMEONE left it on. the sprayer thing is on. so when i turn on the hydrant, once again i am sprayed in the face and all over and am drenched.. AGAIN! i let the dog play with mine for a few minutes, while i am dripping and freezing, and then he acts a little aggressive to reggie (reggie started it) so i hose him in the ass and he moves on. now i get the dogs inside, change clothes for the 4th time today, and try to once again, rest for a few minutes.

during this time we have looked at every inch outside and inside to find whatever this mess was that the dogs got into. cannot find it. mark finds an empty package of 45 cat treats for hairball removal. reggie ate it all. so maybe he puked on oliver? we don’t know. anyway, i am resting and here comes reggie… STINKING AGAIN TO HIGH HEAVEN! please lord, help me to NOT kill this dog. apparently he ate whatever it is, AGAIN. we look and look and still cannot find whatever it is. i dunno if he puked and it was just his breath or what. for now, things are settled down, i am dry and so far no stink. help me lord… in my life.. it all comes at once. like a clearance sale. sigh — feeling annoyed.

oliver and reggie after a run

a valentine’s day adventure or.. my bizarre life

my latest adventure in celebration of my awesome and weird life

(this was originally written feb. 15, 2011)

ok so it was valentine’s day.  we had the grands as their mom was working till 11 p.m.  our usual routine is to take them home so they can sleep in their own beds.  i was preparing valentine’s dinner, we celebrated etc. it was time to go home. so we get to their house and all is well. mom gets home, time for me to leave to come home. 

it’s midnite. its BLOWING rain.  the rain gets under your eyelids and in your nooks and crannies just going from my daughter’s house to the car. very annoying.  we (the dogs and i) get into the car and begin the drive home. 

let me give you a little back story now.  my husband runs out of gas.  it’s something i do not understand but he does.  i don’t get it.  my car is the “family” car. it’s a small suv and we take it on weekends or to haul stuff, take the dogs to run,  etc.  he drives it more than i do, even tho i am usually with him.  it’s a man thing i guess.  our gas gauge isn’t working.  it’s not an old car but the damn thing stopped working.  so we set the odometer with each fill up and watch it till we get to 300 miles. that is when we KNOW we have to fill up.  all weekend as it approached 300 i kept saying, let’s get gas.  multiple times.  weekend is over.  he was bitching about gas prices. i assumed he filled it up and forgot to clear odometer, which is now at 330.  he said he was going to. so i didn’t worry.  uh huh.  THAT was my first mistake.   

ok back to the drive home.  the damn wind was blowing and visibility is like driving in a hurricane.  rain, wind, slick streets.  i pass the prison to start the uphill climb home.  and my car just stopped. no sputter, no jerk, just stopped.  i coasted as far to the side of the road as i could.  california doesn’t believe in shoulders on the road for the most part, but there was a small one and i made it to it.. in the dark, in the blowing rain, on a curve, going uphill. yay. perfect scenario to be sideswiped or hit. i turn on the flashers and call home. 

mark’s cell rings 5 times and goes to voice mail.  so i call again.  an obviously sleeping man answers the phone. i tell him the situation and he cusses… a lot.  he knows why i am sitting on the road after midnite, in the dark, in the rain, on a curve, going uphill. so i don’t say anything about the gas issue.  i just try to keep everything but the flashers off to save on battery.  uh huh. 

during our phone conversation we deduce that we no longer own a gas can, so mark drives to my daughter’s house where she has placed one on her front porch at my request.  yes, i can multi task and take care of details even when stranded.  he comes back with the can and starts to add gas to our car. 

i can’t see shit cos the windows are fogged up but i roll down one back window to see if he is ok.  he is cussing and trying to get the gas to pour into the tank.  i hear him make a weird noise so i ask him a few times if he is ok.  more cussing so i figure he is ok…but i swear i thought something was weird about him.  i roll up the window again and it barely makes it.  i am so scared cos i KNOW the battery is losing it’s charge and he will really flip out.  so i pray it keeps it’s charge.  um no. he gets the gas in the car. i try to start it and it says HELLNO.  omg.  cussing and slamming begin. i felt so bad for him.

  so he moves his car to give me a jump.  he is in between two cars in the dark, in the rain, with the wind, on the side of the road, on a curve,uphill. it was very dangerous.  lots of 18 wheelers came by and blew him to pieces with water and wind.   the car starts and we go to a gas station.  by now he is really grumpy.  he barks at me, COULD YOU GET CLOSER TO THE PUMP?  sarcasm abounds.  i just reposition myself and he fills the tank.  i can still hear him cussing.  🙂 

  we make it home and he is wet and cold and pissed at himself.  then he asks me, DID YOU SEE ME FALL DOWN THAT HILL?  omg.  i said no, i couldn’t see anything cos the windows were fogged but i heard you make a noise so i was calling out to you.  yehhhh. he lost his footing, fell down the hill next to the car and was lying in a ditch for a few minutes, in the dark, in the rain, on a curve, going.. ummmm downhill?  hahahaha.  ok sorry. not funny.  bless his heart.  he was cussing and embarrassed.  and mad. 

sooooooooooooo.  today it was funny. not so much last nite.  i just tried to be supportive and keep my comments to myself.  HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.   not.